Game Review: Bionic Granny (Commodore 64, Mastertronic)

Bionic Granny’s cover art really is a little odd, with two children being scared by a granny which has an evil robot face in the background.  It does not get any better when reading the plot either on the inlay – which claims “She lurks outside the school gates waiting for any unsuspecting kids.  When the hands on the school clock reach 4pm, her fun begins.  Despite all the efforts of the teachers and lollipop ladies, she manages to zap the kids with her laser powered brolly.”

During loading of the game, the plot is slightly different.  The granny is waiting outside the school, but instead hits the kids with her stick instead of using a laser.  The lollipop lady will throw lollipops at you to stop you.  More noticeable as well is the lack of attention paid to the spelling and grammar, such as “You’r a bionic granny” (yes, really) and the fact that you will only be able to move left and right, either with keyboard or joystick.  Already before the game has loaded, you are fearing the worst.

Bionic Blunders

The game loads, and like almost all Games Creator games, starts straight away without warning.  You can soon see that you are the Bionic Granny at the bottom of the screen, and can only move left and right across the bottom of the screen without any freedom of movement up or down.  The school clock on the right does say four o’clock, and what looks like a football pitch on the left with the main school building and exit in the centre.  There are three poorly drawn roads with some trees as well, with the kids coming down either down the roads or in a weird pattern of random movement on the grass instead.

Lollipop Lameness

The lollipop lady moves across the roads at the top outside the school, and often will move down the three roads that head towards Bionic Granny.  All the time this happens, there are large lollipops being thrown which will effectively kill Bionic Granny on contact, with one of three lives being lost when this happens.  You do not need to press fire when you want to hit the kids, simply running into them is enough.  You then get a solitary little “ping” sound effect to know that you have hit them.  If you do get hit by the lollipop, a poorly animated sequence shows for Bionic Granny with a ghoulish face in one frame – which would be scary if on screen for longer than the miniscule amount of time that it presents itself.

Hitting Hurts

Hit enough kids to earn enough of a score, with more for those that move randomly across the grass rather than those that stick to the roads, and you will hear the music speed up a fair while as the game announces the next level.  Then it is more of the same, only a little faster and with a larger score to accumulate to get to the next level.  And so on.  More tedium than excitement to be honest, as you soon learn the way to keep away from the middle road as often the lollipop lady heads down there and if she does not collide with you, the lollipop that she fires will – although the kids that run randomly across the grass often end up here for more points, so risk or reward.

Just Say No

Although the controls are responsive, it really does feel somewhat random where the kids may appear and when the lollipop lady will either fire the lollipops or head down the roads to try and get you.  That can mean sometimes you do not last very long and on others you can easily reach the third level without too much effort.  Boredom does set in very quickly though with only the high score being something to aim at instead of how many levels you can endure, and you will be reaching for the off button after a short while.

Graphics and Sound

The graphics in Bionic Granny are awful.   The single screen showing the school, playing fields, football pitch and the roads are all out of proportion as to how they should be, complete with poor animation throughout for the kids and the lollipop lady.  Whatever the granny has in her hands it just seems like it is a walking stick which looks more like two frames at an insanely fast speed.  There are basic sound effects as per all Games Creator games, and the music is around fifteen seconds in a single channel, and whilst at least it is in tune, it just does not fit the game.

Final Thoughts

Bionic Granny is an example of how to cheaply make a game with The Games Creator and put as little effort into it as possible. The graphics and sound are dreadful, and add to that the very limited gameplay of being only able to move side to side and it becomes more of a case of luck rather than skill later.  It really does feel like it was done in a few hours, almost as an example game rather than one that should have been sold separately. There are no redeeming features to speak of, and you would feel like you had spent your two pounds terribly – even wiping over it as a blank tape would not have got you much for your money.

Fast forward to 2010, and Richard Bayliss of The New Dimension coded a remake, called Bionik Granny Returns.  Its loading screen even pastiches what people thought at the time, using Mastercrhonic as one of the logos, and the original music has been remixed heavily on the SID chip as well having much improved graphics and gameplay, with multiple screens and even a bonus level.  There is even a tape version mastered with Invade-a-Load.  Well worth checking out as a curio here – https://csdb.dk/release/?id=93555

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